The Totally Random And Utterly Weird XOver
by selonian
Summary: Every MovieBookTV ShowAnimePlay that I could think of vaccumpacked into the most awesomeness xover ever created! dun dun dummmmmmmm!
1. Pretzels and Copius Amounts of Beer

**A/N: Okay-doke. Let's go through this.**

**I do not **

**a) own any of these characters**

**b) write anything as well as the original authors**

**c) like Dr. Phil. What's with that guy?**

**d) um . . . d is for . . . doughnut? **

'**kaydoke?**

**Bueno!**

**On with the insane story . . . **

Wolverine was happily walking down the hallway munching on some beef jerky rather noisily when, with a flash, a bang, and a poof of purple dust, he was no longer in a hallway. Come to think of it, he probably wasn't in the same state. He was in Hawaii. Specifically, a bar in Hawaii, known to some people as a Hawaiian bar. How he knew he was in Hawaii is beyond me, but he was in a bar in Hawaii. A very large, very empty . . . bar.

An empty bar.

With no bartender.

"Huh," mumbled Wolverine. "What a coinkydink."

And then, the randomly-bright-yet-totally-evil lightbulb of doom popped up above his head.

ten minutes, thirty-two seconds later

Wolverine dusted his hands off, stepped back, and surveyed his handiwork. "Y'know, sometimes, I amaze myself," he said, half to himself, and half to his brain-child, which, he mused to himself, was utterly, truly, and amazingly ingenious.

He called it . . . the Pretzelstickinator.

In bars, there are copious amounts of alcoholic beverages, and these alcoholic beverages are usually accompanied by large pretzel sticks. Another thing you can find in bars are high-powered hoses out of which spew alcoholic beverages. Wolverine had snatched one of these ginormmous pretzels, filed it down with his claws, nibbled on it a bit, made the end sharp-ish, and shoved it in a hose, effectively making a high-powered beer-pretzel-spear-thingy-spewing gun.

Aiming the contraption at the dart board, he began to giggle. It was all a little insane, really. About eleven minutes ago—oh, now it's twelve—he was eating beef jerky and wandering aimlessly down a hallway. And now—he giggled again—he was pointing a sharpened pretzel-spear-thingy at the wall in some bar in Hawaii.

Life was soooooo entertaining.

Another bout of giggling hit him as he thought of the look on Angel's face if he could see this. This fresh gale of unsuppressed sniggering made him twitch. His finger squeezed the button . . . and the pretzel stick came flying out midst a stream of beer. The pretzel rebounded off the wall and hit him square between the eyes. As the world went black, he wondered why in the world he _never _listened to his mother when she told him never to shove a sharpened pretzel-spear-thingy down a beer-squirter-thingy, thus making a weapon of massive-pretzel-destruction.

_Oh yeah . . ._ he thought hazily. _She never covered that possibility._

And then he passed out.

When Wolverine woke up, he immediately noticed three things:

a) His head hurt like nothing else;

b) he was lying on the ground, and

c) inexplicably, he was five years old again.

_Hmm_, he thought. _Maybe there was something in that beef jerky._

And then, he realized that

d) it was very extremely dark due to the fact that

e) his eyes were closed.

_Maybe I should open my eyes,_ he thought off-handedly. _Yeah, I should open my eyes._

"Hell-o-ooooooooooooooooo?" said a strange voice that sounded spookily like his second grade teacher, Mrs. Wownkski.

_No, on second thought, I don't think I will._

"Hell-ooo, leetle aileen! My name is Raj. Welcome to Camp Kidknee!"

"Camp Kidney!" echoed another strange voice.

"Erh?" grunted Wolverine, and opened his eyes to a small, out-of-focus, yellow elephant. His brain registered this anomaly in reality right after it hit him that it was a cartoon. Another revelation that hit him was that there was an orange monkey, a pastel . . . thing . . . and a platypus with a sour expression on its face accompanying the minute golden pachyderm.

"So, Lazlo, what have you found now?" snarled the platypus.

"I dunno," said the monkey. "I think it's an _alien_."

"Alien!" repeated the pale thing. Wolverine distantly thought that maybe it could have been or possibly was a rhino.

A moose walked in. "LAZLO! What have I told you about bringing animals into camp!?" it yelled.

And, about that time, Wolverine's vocal cords caught up with his brain and screamed.

"Gah!" said the moose. "It's screaming!"

"It's saying hello!" said the monkey at the same time.

"Hello!" said the rhino-thing.

"Shh, Clam, I do not tink it can oonderstand you!" said the elephant.

"GetitoutofhereRIGHTnow!" said the moose.

Wolverine kept screaming.

"But Scout Master Lumpas . . . " whined the monkey, tugging on the mooses shirt.

"Hell-o-oo!" insisted the rhino-thing.

" . . . ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . " shrieked Wolverine.

"hell-O!" said the thing, tackling Wolverine, who continued to scream incessantly.

And then, the purple dust washed over Wolverine and he feinted out of pure terror.

**A/N: ****There is a button calling your name. It is the review button. Hear it? The ethereal voice saying **HEY insert name here! CLICK ME! SUBMIT REVEIWS!**? You do hear it, right? Good. You should listen to it. So go ahead. Click the button. Submit a review. And save a bored author from loneliness! **


	2. Runny Eggs and Screwy Potions

**A/N: Hey, look! The second chapter! It's weird that you're here, cuz' I would have given up on it after Wolverine found the pretzels.**

**ANYWAY, none of these people belong to me at all (though I wish I owned Snape—he's like black licorice, see, so dark and twisty!) so I never said they belonged to me, I never claimed ownership (teehee, Snape!), and they're not mine. (boo-hoo, Snape!)**

* * *

Severus Snape was not having a good day.

It all started at breakfast. _Huh_, he mused, watching his eggs run off screaming, followed closely by his sausage. _I didn't know food could be that fast_. Weasly just so happened to pass him by on his way from the Great Hall, so Snape gave him detention because Weasly looked suspiciously mirthful. The madness continued later on in the day when Potter somehow managed to catch the damp and dank dungeons on fire. Yet more insanity ensued at lunch, when the armor suits all revolted against Filch and Snapenapped the Potions teacher for ransom. Unfortunately, all Filch had in his pockets was a half-eaten turkey sandwich, a few Sickles, and a couple of pieces of nasty string. He was, by result of the lack of a thousand or more Gallaoens, sat upon by a rather heavy and chatty suit for two hours until, to his eternal embarrassment, he was rescued by Minerva. To calm his frazzled nerves, he had a cup of tea in the teacher's lounge . . . or tried to, anyways; it spontaneously combusted. Muttering with frustration, he managed to muddle his way through the rest of the day; two classes of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, fortunately. At least the Ravenclaws were bright enough to not catch anything on fire and make stuff that at least resembled the Tentacalus Potion. Unfortunately, one of the Hufflepuffs noticed it's shade of orange—rather like pumpkin juice, now that he thought about it—and guzzled it down. He was rushed to the Hospital Wing with purple tentacles poking out of his every orifice: not a pretty sight at all. By the end of the day, he had said 'forget that' to a cup of tea and was ripping his office apart, trying to find the bottle of Firewhiskey that he had squirreled away in there somewhere. And then, he remembered . . .

He had assigned detention to Weasly tonight.

"Oh #!"

* * *

The peaceful silence in the Gryffindor common room was broken by a loud and explicit swear word. It was followed closely by a sharp reprimand and the smack of a hand slapping someone upside the head; namely a red-headed boy by the name of Ronald Weasly being slapped by a bushy haired girl by the name of Hermione Granger.

"Grawhuzzat?" mumbled Harry, jerking upright. "Oh yeah . . . you have detention with Snape today for the whole 'runny eggs' fiasco, don't you, Ron?"

"I still don't know how he figured it out! I was all, like, ninja-fied! I wore the Invisibility Cloak and snuck into his office like a ninja! I had throwing stars, climbing claws, nunchuks, a couple of poisoned knives . . . Hell, I even _dressed _like a ninja under the cloak! But even _then_, he found me out!" He sighed. "He must be a, like, samurai or something like that."

Harry's eyes went out of focus as a vision of Snape with a samurai sword, armor, and a greasy topknot danced across his mind's eye. "Somehow, I can't imagine that being the case, Ron."

"You'd better now," snapped Hermione, still a little bit peeved about the cursing. "I've heard he's in a terrible mood today."

"Might have something to do with the armor revolution," said Harry distantly, picking up a copy of today's Daily Prophet.

"D'you reckon he knows about that, too?" asked Ron worriedly.

"Oh, you did that too?" asked Hermione. "Then he definitely knows."

"BUT I'M A NINJA!" screamed Ron, causing the entire common room to jump and several first-years to faint.

"Ninjas bathe regularly," said Ginny. "That way, you can't smell them coming."

"I bathe," retorted Ron indignantly. "I took my semi-annual shower last month."

"I said, 'regularly'," snorted Ginny.

"Yeah, I take my baths normally!"

"Just get to detention," sighed Hermione.

* * *

"LISTEN TO ME, WEASLY. I don't care what you did, or how you did it, or even why you did it. I want you—" here, Snape pointed at Weasly—"to make me a Rodentia Potion. Mix it right, and bring it here—" here, he pointed at the desk—"when you're done. M'kay?"

Weasly nodded dumbly.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmyes."

"Whawhaztha?" Snape whirled and saw a giant man-lizard-snake-thingamagiig. "GAH! STAY BACK!" He waved his wand at it, and it was apparently amused by a human waving a stick in its face, because it began to laugh hysterically.

"Hey, a dinosaur," piped up Weasly.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyesssssss," it hissed again.

"No, no, a giant lizard," corrected Dumbledore, who was there because I said he was.

MMMMMMMMMMMMYEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" it roared.

"IT'S AN ALIEN!" screamed Superman, and disappeared.

The alien turned to Dumbledore and swallowed him whole.

"OHMIGOSH!" screamed Harry, who appeared out of supposedly nowhere. "I found a KNUT!"

"We . . . are . . . doomed . . . "

"THIS—IS—SPAAAAARTAAAAAAA!" screamed a random Spartan and kneed Harry in the face. Blood started to gush out of Harry's nose. "RAAAAAAAAAAH!"

And, in a poof of purple dust, Snape fainted.

**A/N: Whoa. Okay. That was . . . stupid. Here, leave me a review to tell me just how stupid it was.**


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